29.1.15

A list of things I feel guilty for:

not liking sex with men but doing it anyway
not being polygamous
wanting to go back to Athens
not eating vegetables
stalking facebook profiles
thinking I'm superior of everyone
not liking my mom
not hitting on girls
stalking her tumblr
following girls on instagram just because they are pretty
lying 
going on livejasmine
keeping him in my life
not going to the police when I had to
doubting my sexuality 
not writing as much
working in mcdonalds
quitting mcdonalds
coming home earlier





9.1.15

You dance and you laugh
                                 like everyone
                                                         enjoys seeing you dancing                                                         smiles seeing you laugh
And you drink bourbon 
                                                    just because you like saying bourbon
Everything
You
Do
Is
Stupid

I don’t distaste you because you are an idiot
                                                              I distaste you because you are weak                                                        
There is just a string of nothingness left
and you use it to drag me around town
I’ve failed to cut it with my teeth
                                                    I have to admit, for something that’s made of nothing it’s quite resilient.
I’m seventeen
I’m gayI’m fifteen
I had sexI hate you
that’s why I boned you
        
  I feel that there shouldn’t be a word for virginity. It shouldn’t matter. Why don’t we have a word to describe the noise the water makes the instant it comes out of the tap? Because it’s not that important. That is how I feel for virginity: it’s not that important. If it is, oops, I’ve ruined it. 

We were sitting at a table eating junk food and your mum told us about her aunt that wasn’t married and didn’t have any children and always wore a strong perfume. She that she didn’t get married because she didn’t like sex.
There are women who don’t enjoy sex. You haven’t had sex so you don’t know how absurd this is, but when you’re older you’ll understand. It’s like a medical condition and they are unable to feel pleasure, they’re unorgasmic.
What if I don’t like sex? What if I’m absurd like that and end up all alone wearing strong perfumes? The fact that I don’t like any boys from school suggests that I don’t like sex, so I must be unorgasmic.
I could picture myself being old, alone in a dark apartment, wearing a red suit that smells like mothballs, falling asleep while watching porn.


am I not soft enough? or pale enough? or blonde enough? or independent enough? or brave enough? or strong enough? or like your mom enough? or my boobs, are they not big enough? or pale enough? or my bum, is it not smooth enough? am I not strong enough? why I am not enough? 

3.1.15

And when people say to me that I am the man in our relationship I always burst with pride. But now that I think of it I'm mad at myself. Why is this a compliment? Do I want to be a man?
Some mornings I wake up feeling more feminine than usual, so I put on lipstick.
And although I wear dresses every day I don't feel like the girls I watch and like in the videos. If I'm not a girl and I'm not a man, what am I?
I am the man in our relationship, wearing dresses and sometimes lipstick. Does this make me a transvestite? Am I a she, he or it? Oh but that I know; I am an I.

I'm his girl

There are two kinds of sexual people. The cool ones and the uncool ones.

The cool sexual beings can have sex with anyone. They do not appreciate monogamous relationships and they find most people attractive. Attractive enough to bone them.

The uncool sexual beings can't have sex with anyone. They are boring and traditional (who likes tradition anyway?). The cool ones hates them and shames them and wish they were dead.

We wish we were dead as well. 
And we wish we were cool enough and we are sorry we are not cool and innovative but at least we are honest. And hey honesty can be cool, no?




I sometimes find myself in conversations defending polygamy and I think to myself how funny this is. And you will never hear me judging it or rejecting it unless you are in my head (or my lover).
For the first time right now, I will break it down, in order to understand what is going on in my head, heart and cunt with the topic of polygamy.

One person can love another person and still feel physical attraction to a third person.
But why isn't the other person enough?
Is it like food? Humans need variety and different tastes?

I do know, though, through conversations with people in open relationships that everyone is jealous and I refuse to believe that people are not jealous of the partner they care about the most.
Why do we shame people who are jealous?

While I'm writing this and backspacing it over and over again I realize that the mistake I keep making is that I am trying to understand how normal people with normal sexuality feel about their normal orgasms.
And alas! epiphany stroke me.
Of course I understand the theory and logic of polygamy and of course I can't do it.
As I understand the theory and logic of sex and can't do it.
As I understand the theory and logic of love and can't do it.
As I understand the theory and logic of trust and can't do it.
As I understand the theory and logic of forgiveness and can't do it.

New Year resolution: As soon as I fix my sexuality I will become the coolest polygamous person I know (and I will really mean it this time).

Conditional sentences

First Conditional Sentence:
nature: open condition
time: present or future
It is possible and very likely the condition to be fulfilled.
e.g. If I change the world, I will stop writing.

Second Conditional Sentence:
nature: unreal
time: present
It is possible but very unlikely the condition to be fulfilled.
e.g. If you said you are sorry, I would forgive you.

Third Conditional Sentence:
nature: unreal
time: past
It is impossible the condition to be fulfilled because it refers to the past 
e.g. If I had a father while I was growing up, I would definitely be 'daddy's little girl'.